The Human Alarm Clock

Every morning, I am responsible for 6 people becoming awake and active at a certain time. It starts with my middle school child, who has to be awake at the unlovely hour of 5:40am. I get up, make the coffee, wake him up, and bring coffee to my hubby, who usually needs to be up by 6am. The next two children have to be up by 7am, and they don't wake up easily, let me tell you! The 9 year old just clutches his blanket tighter, and the 6 yr old cries, yes, CRIES because the dreadful morning has come to ruin his sleep again! After getting 4 out of 6 people awake and out the door, there's the toddler, who may or may not have woken up on his own, but if he IS awake, most certainly wants his juice and cheerios RIGHT NOW, please. Perhaps I should also mention, I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. Nevertheless, as the only female in the house, it has been determined I am the maker of coffee, the shaker of shoulders, and the harbinger of morning. Tough job, but hey, technically I signed up for it when hubby said, will you? And I said I do, so there you go.

What happens if the human alarm clock didn't wake up on time? If I've been up too late the night before, I'll hit the snooze alarm, and not even realize it until the "Oh crap, it's 6am" alarm blares at me. 20 minutes shouldn't make that much of a difference, but believe you me, it does! Herds of cattle lost in the wilderness would survive better than my family when the schedule is off. Bleary eyed people asking, "Where's my coffee?" The toddler ALWAYS wakes up early on these days, demanding extra attention, especially his "Ap. Pul. Jewse (apple juice)". The middle schooler wanders around in a daze, and never seems to have the clothes he needs. The middle two boys grunt, stagger out of bed clutching their favorite blankets, and randomly find clothes that may or may not fit the season, causing me to either have a headache from convincing them that sweaters and shorts do NOT go together, not in November, and not in May, or I just throw up my hands and say, fine, but don't expect me to sympathize when the kids make fun of you. And you know what? Boys don't get made fun of for their clothes, or if they do, they don't tell me, so why should I fight it so hard?

Wait a minute. That all happens even if I DO get up on time. That does it, I think I'm going to buy one of those horns they get for stadium games, and just sound it off every 5 minutes until they all gather, bewildered in my room and I can say, "Look. You all know Mommy is not a morning person. I love you dearly, but you can handle waking up, getting dressed, and finding poptarts in the am. I will make coffee. I will write you checks for lunch money. Don't tell me about deadlines I needed a week ago, don't ask me to come up with cash for pizza day, and don't expect me to read your library books to you before I've had my coffee." Hmmm, do you think that would really work? Let me know, I gotta go make the coffee.