Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Really about me this time.

Ok, if this is too much information for you, stop reading now. I mean it. Stop. STOP. What, you're still here? Ok, here it is. I think I'm crazy, but I'm just not sure what kind yet. And before you all shake your heads and go, "Oh poor Val, she's just overwhelmed with being a mommy and everything", LISTEN TO ME.

Saturday, I felt dizzy. I've felt dizzy before, they ran all kinds of tests, said it was either crud/dust in my inner ear (I'M NOT KIDDING) and gave me "exercises" consisting of rolling slowly back and forth on my bed (STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!) or called it sinus trouble, and take Sudafed. I took Sudafed, went to bed. Stayed in bed. Have no idea what anyone else did all day. I think a movie was watched in our room. I may have watched it, I couldn't tell you. I kept falling back asleep. Every time I tried to get up, the room would spin. Imagine being drunk, and taking three Benadryl on top of it. Like that.

Sunday am, I drag my butt out of bed because the kids want to go to church. Yeah, I'm feeling real holy right now. Hubby has a horrible headache, which feeds into the "it's all sinus causing your dizziness" theory, and he isn't going. I know I have to drop off a script for him on the way to church. There's construction. I'm not sure where the turn off is. No, I'm REALLY not sure. Everything is flat and 2 dimensional. The oldest directs me, I drop it off, we go to church. Second oldest doesn't feel good, which doesn't help. I want to shake him and say, "I don't feel good either, but I made it here!" Of course, I don't, and he ends up sitting with me during Sunday School. It's a really good message, and I think everything is going to be ok. Then, the lights go down for praise and worship. I don't know if it was the combination of dark along with the loud music (we are in the Modern Service) but I start feeling really really dizzy, and things are buzzing and ringing. I look at William, and he doesn't feel well either, so we decide to get everyone else and go home.

I know I have to take Jimmy back at 3:30p for Praise Team Practice. Swear on a stack on a stack of Bibles, I have no idea how we got there. I don't know how we picked up hubby's RX either. I mean, I remember driving thru and all, but no details.

I get home, I was prescribed Dramamine and Promethazine the last time, so I break down and take some of that. It does nothing for the dizziness, but increases my sleepiness. Hubby picks Jimmy up at some point, the rest of the day is a blur. I remember being worried about dinner, and hubby tells me Jimmy is making hamburgers. Good Jimmy. Must reward Jimmy when I regain consciousness. Surely Monday will be better.

Monday is not better. Hubby has to go to class, I'm home with the 3 yr old until noon. I know I got him some apple juice, I know I turned on Dora and gave him cereal, at some point I just handed him the Iphone and said, "Have a good time!" To anyone who received a random call Monday am, I'm sorry! All this time, hubby has been great. He's ran laundry all weekend, there are baskets piled up in the laundry room clean, he's putting more in the washer, he is a machine! He finally asks me, "Um, what is your plan for getting up?" I tell him, "I don't really know," but my brain says, "How 'bout never? Is never good for you?" I didn't think I would ever feel normal again. Jimmy cooked burgers again, it was either that or mac and cheese. I didn't want to read, or watch tv. I just wanted to close my eyes, and make sure no one touched me. I'm guessing that's what being depressed really feels like, and I know I've been there before, but usually there were other influences adding to the problem. There had been no major stressors or triggers leading up to it, just wham! Dizzy, can't sit up, can't focus, leading into, why bother? I take anti-depressants to help ward off such problems, and every time my meds fail, I think, imagine how bad this would be if I WASN'T on meds?

Tuesday, I wake up and I'm HAPPY!!! Imagine this word in big puffy letters with pink and purple fireworks bursting out of it, and white flying ponies with rainbow ribbons tied in their tails. I mean, I was happy. Hubby was just glad to see me upright, and went off to class. I was still a little dizzy, but I was ok. I folded about 10 loads of laundry and put them up. It was my eldest son's birthday, and I was taking him out to dinner and Borders after. It was going to be FUN!! Ok, to get the full effect of the next two days, imagine every sentence after this to have at least six more exclamation points than it has already, ok? So, I'm at home and I'm waiting for him to come home and - no, wait. Forget the extra exclamation points, let me pause this narrative for a second.

You know when they talk about manic? Manic is when you type a sentence like above and think to yourself, oooh, I'm gonna find a picture of a My Pretty Pony and put it up as a graphic, or maybe a Webkinz Pegasus, and maybe I could do a Grumpy Care bear for how I felt when I was depressed, because oh yeah, that dizzy stuff? Basically a pre-cursor for a 4 day depression, followed by a, oh let's see, we're on day 2 of a manic episode? Yes? It's 11:30pm on Tuesday when I write this part. Ok, right, unicorns, and care bears, that's good, but I gotta wait because (snap back into what I think is narrative time) I gotta take Jimmy to rehearsal first, so I'm muttering about care bears and unicorns under my breath, and wait that's Tuesday, I was talking about MONDAY, aaaaannnndddd -

SNAP! Back into Monday when I was waiting for Jimmy to come home so I could take him out to dinner. Isn't that fun? And that's how my life is MOST OF THE TIME! Not necessarily hyper, just that scattered! So, back to Jimmy. Right away, I was in a good mood, we were going to eat sushi, our favorite food, at our favorite restaurant, Sake's. We get there, and I tell the waiter (who looked about 19), "Hey, if you do anything embarrassing to people on their birthdays here, my son is 13 today!" Yep, gonna be one of THOSE nights. The waiter says he is willing to go down on one knee and sing happy birthday to Jimmy, but first he wanted an audience, seeing as we were there around 5pm, and the place hadn't filled up yet. He goes back to the sushi chef, I can see the chef's bald head shaking back and forth, nope, not gonna be a party to it. Talks to the cute red headed waitress in pigtails, uh uh, not gonna happen. He comes back and wusses out, I think both he and Jimmy were relieved.

We proceed to eat lots of wonderful sushi, and still have plenty to take home to hubby and the other boys. Our edemame was complimentary, Jimmy received a red bean ice cream sundae with a cherry on top, and the waiter couldn't have been nicer. We have made nice chic chat through out the meal, he's a military boy, and I can tell his momma raised him right. He brings the bill, I reach into my wallet, and....... no debit card. No debit card. WHERE IS MY DEBIT CARD???? They don't take checks!!! I look and look thru my purse, even have Jimmy check the car, no luck. I tell the waiter, he couldn't have been sweeter. He says "No problem, I mean, you still have to pay, but take all the time you need." I wondered what exactly he expected to magically happen in the time he was given me, but I knew what I had to do. I had to use a Lifeline. I had to Phone a Friend. Yes, I called hubby. "Um, honey?" "Uh huh?" "I can't find my debit card?" He's actually pretty calm, "Ok, I'm guessing you don't have enough money on the credit card?" "No..." He sighs, and says he's on his way. Despite the situation, the waiter brings me an additional complimentary roll, called a Big Dynamite, I think? It's really good, and he keeps refilling my tea. MY HERO shows up to save the day! (imagine dramatic music playing). He hands over the debit card to me. By this point, I'm not thinking straight, and was only able to give the guy a $5 tip, I'm bringing him a bigger tip tomorrow, seriously! As we are leaving, hubby says, ok you are going to Borders, can I grab the checkbook for the other account, I need to get something at Wal-Mart? Sure, no problem, and off we go!

By the time we get to Borders, I am a really good mood from surviving the Sushi Debacle, and well, I start to act like a 12 year old. With my 13 year old. Who thinks I'm hysterical, but a little embarrassed. I FOUND the Webkinz pony I was talking about, oh yes I did, here it is!!!

Isn't that just the cutest thing ever?? Jimmy wouldn't buy it for me with his Border card, I pouted, but he wouldn't give in. So, I scared the crud out of him with a monkey puppet, he was asking for it!! We browsed the Young Adult section, and while I understand "Twilight" is a hit, there are way too many pale (heh heh) vampire imitations out there. I lost it over one particular title, "Vampirates". "Vampirates!? Vampirates!!?? That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard of!" I just kept saying it over and over until he pulled me away. He finally decided on a book, and we went home.

Tuesday, I'm even more manic. I'M GOING TO TAKE ON THE WORLD! I am vibrating, there is an actual hum under my skin, I can't believe other people can't see it. I create a resume, have hubby proofread and tweak a tiny bit, send it out, set up an interview, I am jamming! Go to Sam's to get a few things for dinner, go to get my checkbook out and... no. Nonononono. I HAVE NO STINKING CHECKBOOK, BECAUSE I GAVE IT TO MY HUBBY LAST NIGHT!! And of course, I still haven't found my debit card yet. By the way, I've probably had 5 or 6 new cards over the last 12 months. The checkbook missing is new. Sigh. I have to call hubby again. He is long suffering, but decides to come up and meet me there. I'm bouncing, I'm bopping, I'm planning this blog post by now. To be honest, I wanted to write about the depression part earlier, but, well, just didn't have the energy (them's the jokes, son!). We go thru the checkout, he is my hero AGAIN, and I buy him a slice of pizza to reward him. I have this sudden urge to get diet lemonade instead of half Diet Coke and Cherry Coke (because NO soda fountain dispenses Diet Cherry Coke). I sit down, and this is what comes out of my mouth:

"I've decided to stop adding cherry to my drinks because I used to just add a little bit to my diet coke but now I add more, and really I'm just drinking Cherry Coke now, and what's the point, so I'm going to drink the diet Lemonade. Oh, but I can still have a diet Cherry Limeade at Sonic, because they have diet cherry syrup there, so that's good, but I don't think a diet vanilla coke is completely diet because I don't think they have diet vanilla syrup, of course, I'm making all these decisions while I'm eating a pretzel so that's not really healthy, but I have to start somewhere, and you know what the samples were today? Pizza bites, chicken salad, and something they said was deep fried turkey medallions, but it was just roasted turkey breast, and I just couldn't eat it, you know, turkey is always so dry, and I don't even really like the flavor, that's it, I don't want turkey any more at Thanksgiving or Christmas, although I do like those birds that Bill gave us, what were they quail? Yes, they were good in that stew I made, well, that's it, we should make turkey stew for Thanksgiving then!"

I promise hubby tried to go along with the conversation, but I think it was only our 14 years of marriage that kept him from grabbing me and saying, "Woman, what is wrong with you?" I go to my first psychiatrist next Weds. Do you think he can figure it out?

No comments:

Post a Comment